Have you ever worked with or for someone who “should on themselves” all of the time? Several times a day you hear them “Oh I should have done it this way”, “I should have check on that order sooner”, I should not have said it that way”. People who say these types of things are actually shaming themselves. They ought to just have a kicking machine that they can back up to and kick themselves whenever they start “shoulding themselves.”
The word should for many people is a negative one, used for blame (shame) and lack of effort or responsibility to complete a task. It is surprising that both people who are perfectionists and people who have low self-esteem, “should” themselves a lot.
Once you start shoulding yourself it can become a habit that you eventually don’t even realize that you are doing. But believe me those who work with you know the habit exists. Many times shoulders start shoulding others which makes the work environment a bit toxic, not only for those who have been should on but also for those who hear it day-in-and-day-out.
There is a cure for “shoulders” and that is changing the should (blame) to a “choice” like “I want to”, “I choose to”, and the best of all “I will” these words all implicate a positive action which is uplifting and motivating. By using words like “I want to” and ” I will” through out your day will give you that extra little push you will need to get through your tasks.
Say these two sentences to yourself out loud;
1. I should clean out my work basket so I can move on to other tasks my manager has for me to do.
2. I want to clean out my basket so I can move on to other tasks my manager has for me to do.
It is pretty amazing but when you say sentence one it comes out on a “down note”, and when you say sentence two, it comes out on a more positive note once you say the “want” and has an up-beat sound to it. Using words with a positive beat is good self-talk and will keep you or those you manage in a more motivated mode to complete the work they need to.
Can you imaging if you were an employee that worked under a manager that “should on you” all of the time? What a mess.
So if you happen to be a “shoulder” either to yourself or to others you work with, why don’t you try replacing the “should” with one of the positive choices above and see how it feels. I can promise you it will feel a lot better. And those around you will see, hear and feel the difference in your choice of words.
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